Im sorry

Over the past, give or take, 2 years, my thoughts have been purely devoted to negativity and self-harmful thoughts. I can't enjoy any activity or hobby I once loved because I end up spiraling into such a deep hole of anguish, dread, I become envious, and I start to lose hope; Being persistent isn't always a good trait, I usually tend to ignore these thoughts but, they build up and build up until I start going crazier and crazier until it reaches the people around me. I start having bad thoughts and it shows visually and I start getting physical and getting VERY easily irritated by anything, so much as my bottle lid not screwing on properly the first time can set me off into hell. I can't do ANYTHING, I hate myself, it's gotten so out of control, its like trying to control a rabid cerberus. These invasive and insane thoughts prevent me from any kind of happiness or enjoynment, self acceptance or kindness towards others. I've starting losing touch over everyone because I can't control my outrageous thirst for violence. I hate being watched, I'm being watched, I swear I am, I am in a constant state of paranoia and I am so hyper-aware of any threats or danger, I can't leave the house, I can't do anything, I have to sit on my chair and cry, or lay in bed and also cry to contain myself because I'm dangerous.

The worst part is, the part that breaks me, the part that locks my bones, the part I hate the most about this is that, I like it. I enjoy being angry, it's in my blood, and it's in my veins. I've always had a short fuse and i've always had a feeling for fights and violence. I hate.. people. I hate humanity, I hate us, I hate you, and me, and them. I am so, so, so sick and tired of people hurling slurs, kicking me in the shins, punching me in the face, poking my eyes, it's the reason i'm like this and it's the reason I cry buckets every day, night, and morning. It's the reason I have to expose you to my bullshittery, my cries for help, and my wheeping, because I am a loser.

Im asking for help, I don't know what to do, I can't take it anymore, I don't know who to ask, I just know that this site has good people, people who might be able to help me, people who aren't like me.